Ten minutes later, Stella had almost had enough of the whole, darn thing. She had put her glasses on the booth's round table so she didn't have to look at the evil, evil world that just lived for tormenting poor Stellas of the Starry kind. "Squeak, squeak… squeakin' squeak squeakedy-squeak-squeaker," she squeaked in a downcast voice.
Regina nodded. "Yeah, and after all that hard work with the speech, too…"
"Squeak."
A short while of no activity whatsoever apart from beer-drinking, pretzel-crunching and page-leafing went by before one of the hired helpers moved around on the bar stool and put up her hand. "I have a suggestion! One of my relatives is an opera singer, and he's often told me he gurgles in warm, sour milk before a performance. I got no idea why, but that's what he's told me, anyhows. D'ya think that'll help?"
"Sour milk? Warm, sour milk?" Regina said and crinkled her sensitive nose all over again. She looked down at the supine Stella who could only roll her eyes at the suggestion that was undoubtedly well-meant while not exactly smelling of roses. "Oh, I think we'll hold the sour milk for now, but… uh… thanks for the suggestion."
"You betcha," the helper said before she turned back to her beer.
In the middle of everyone working hard to solve the little drama, Caitlin O'Herlihy entered Rockin' Ruby's looking somewhat worse for wear. Her gelled, spiky hair had been tousled to the point where it stood out in all directions, and she had lipstick-smears all over her face and onto her neck - at least one of the lines of lipstick hid a hickey. Her shirt had been buttoned crooked and had been pulled out of her jeans to reveal a black tank-top. Wearing a goofy grin that reached from ear to ear, she shuffled over to the booth where Debbie and Samantha sat so she could join them. She came to a brief halt at the sight of Stella lying down on the curved bench, but soon shrugged and moved on.
"I'll be with you in a moment, Caitlin," Ruby said as she looked up from the book.
"No worries. I'm good. Take all the time you need," Caitlin said and sat down on the bench in a deliberate and certainly gentle fashion. Sighing with contentment, she put her arms atop the backrest and leaned her head back until it rested on the plush velvet. It didn't take long for her to let out a constant stream of snickers and naughty-sounding giggles.
Ruby continued to leaf through the 101 Remedies-book without finding much that would be suitable to fix the odd problem that had struck the usually so verbose investigator. Stella was hard to put in a category, and it seemed the same could be said about her ailment. Scratching her neck, she glanced at Regina who could only shrug.
"Hmmm," Ruby said as she moved back to the index after another dead end. She looked through page after page after page before her experienced eyes fell on a remedy that she had a hunch might work. "Hey, here's something…" she said and held up the book so Regina could see it as well.
"Squeak?" Stella squeaked from the booth. When she found herself thoroughly ignored, she let out another surly squeak and crossed her arms over her chest in a fit of pique.
"A bog-standard rum toddy. I have all the ingredients," Ruby continued before she turned to the stricken woman: "Wanna try that, Stella? Hot tea, plenty of honey and a good shot of dark Jamaica rum."
"Squeak… squeak, squeakedy-squeak."
"Huh?" Ruby said and looked at Regina for a translation.
Regina's answer was brief: "Squeak squeak squeakedy-squeak means 'yeppo-matic, Ruby!' "
---
Five minutes after taking off her glasses, Stella put them on again so she could see the contents of the mug Ruby had put on the round table in their regular booth. Sitting up, she took a cautious sniff of the steaming-hot tea. There was no doubt it packed one hell of a wallop as the steam that rose from it promptly misted up her lenses. Letting out a squeaking chuckle, she reached for the mug and blew hard on it so she wouldn't give her squeaky throat a partner in misery in the shape of a scorched tongue.
The first sip made her eyes fly wide open as the high amount of rum the mug contained ran past and became intimately acquainted with her tastebuds, her uvula, her gullet and finally her stomach. She stared into the murky-brown contents to try to suss out the mix factor. Judging from the taste, the smell and the color, it was two-to-one - two bottles of dark Jamaica rum and one mug of tea.
Still, the drastic situation called for a drastic cure. She needed to do something to get back on an even keel, so she took several long swigs of the spiked tea. The soothing effect was felt in and around her throat almost at once, so she took even larger and longer swigs to kick out the pesky squeaks for good. Soon, the potent tea was no more. "Squeak… squeak… huh. Squeaker-squeaker- good. Oy- squeak, squeak… oy… oy-oy-oy… ohhhh-so-good… squeak… Reggie… squeak… aw-shh-queak?! Sq- Sq- Sq- Reggie, I've recovered! Holy can-of-mackerel-in-tomato-sauce, my throat's recovered! I'm allllllllllready kinda tipsy… but at least I'm speaking again!"
"Awwwww, welcome back, dahling!" Regina said while a wide grin spread over her features. Hurrying back to the booth, she wrapped her long arms around Stella's upper body and gave her a strong squeeze.
"Thank you, dahling… I can speak! Hold the squeak, gotta speak!" Stella said around Regina's perfect shoulder and mermaid hair.
Chuckling, Ruby slammed the 101 Remedies For Hangovers & Other Calamities shut before she walked back to the bar counter to serve Caitlin O'Herlihy and the other guests. All the way there, she mumbled: "There's always something odd going on with those two… always, always, always…"
"Oooooh!" Stella continued in a cheery voice that soon went a step up in cheeriness to morph into merry, though slightly unhinged, singing: "Oooold MacDonald had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-oohhh. And on the farm there was a duck and ee-i-ee-i-ohhhhh! And a quack-quack here and an oink-oink there-"
"Stell-"
"-and a boc-boc here and a mooh-mooh there and-"
"Stell!"
"-a baah-baah here and a hee-haw there and a-"
Regina came to a screeching halt at the worrying development. Stella was unpredictable even when she was stone sober; a tipsy Stella could be a major hazard to everyone's sense of peace - especially at such an important event. She needed to scratch her neck long and hard as she watched her sweetheart wave her arms around like she conducted a symphony orchestra consisting of Old MacDonald's various farm animals. "Stell, I think you ought to save your voice for the speech… you know, just in case."
"Good idea, Weggie! I'll do that in a widdle while… oooooh, Mawy had a widdle wamb…" Snicker, snicker! Snicker! Snicker-snicker-snicker! Snicker! Snickersnickersnicker, snicker!
"Okay… okay. Jeez. From the frying pan and into the fire… Stell, we gotta get you back over there. Perhaps a full tummy will help quell your tipsiness," Regina said and handed Stella the smoking jacket.
Unfortunately, 'tipsy' didn't begin to describe Stella's mental state. Not used to such a hefty dollop of potent liquor, or at least not in one go, she had already moved past being three sheets to the wind. She was in fact closer to seven or eight sheets, but the Jamaica rum had made her lose count after five - not that it really mattered.
She stared at the white smoking jacket like she didn't know what to do with it. Then she put it on backwards and jumped to her feet. Her arms were thrust out ahead of her as she staggered around Rockin' Ruby's to a chorus of puzzled grunts, surprised chuckles and wide-eyed stares from the peanut gallery and everyone else in the bar including Caitlin, Debbie and Samantha.
"Raaaaaah! I'm the Stellabeast! I'm the Stellabeast and I'm gonna jump up an' bite ya in da buuuuuuuh-tt!" the inebriated investigator cried at the top of her lungs - the elegant smoking jacket had suddenly been transformed into a crude straitjacket that kept the scourge of Bay City, the feared Stellabeast, trapped.
"Oh. My. Frickin'. God," Regina croaked; then she needed to pinch the bridge of her nose to stop a sudden outburst of migraine.
The wild Stellabeast staggered around in the space between the booths and the row of bar stools, raaaah'ing, rooooh'ing, mewling and mooooh'ing. At one point, her patent-leather shoe snagged on the edge of the carpet and she nearly took a hair-flying swan dive onto the floor. A moment went by where her face turned blank - then she broke out in a bout of the wildest, loudest, most unrestrained laughter ever committed to the world by any human being or Stellabeast.
Still laughing, she whipped off the strait/smoking jacket altogether and pretended she was a passenger on a ship caught in rough seas. The way she wobbled as she walked made her game easy enough for all to follow, and the volunteers and hired helpers in the peanut gallery even encouraged her by hooking their arms inside each other's and swaying back and forth like drunken revelers at an Oktoberfest party.
All Regina could do was to bury her face in her hands and let out a pained groan. "Coffee. We need some coffee. Strong coffee… Ruby! Ruby! Help!" she cried and hurried over to the bar.
-*-*-*-
"You do know this doesn't actually cancel out the alcohol in her system, right?" Ruby said after she had made sure the tipsy Stella - who had been seated back at the booth the Stellabeast had escaped from - had downed an entire mug's worth of rocket-fuel-grade coffee.
"Yeah, it's just a myth… but she needs to hold her speech in a very short while. We simply have to get her back to normal," Regina said, running a hand through her mermaid hair in a most annoyed fashion. Then she stopped what she was doing to shoot her sweetheart a sideways glance. "Or as normal as she'll ever be, I suppose…"
Stella blinked a couple of times at the thinly veiled insult. Though it did seem to register with her, she had far too much fuzzy material between her ears to really pay any attention to what the people around her said or did - she was soon back to mumbling yet another nursery rhyme.
Ruby shook her head at the sight of Stella using her fingers, hands and indeed her entire upper body to mimic the lyrics of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. It would have been a cute spectacle if it hadn't been so weird to see a grown woman who wasn't a mime perform such an act. "Who knew she couldn't hold her liquor? That's never been a problem before…" Ruby said and broke out in a shrug.
"She didn't sleep at all last night… and all the stress this morning…" Regina said and offered her tipsy partner a smile. "I guess I should have expected such a reaction."
"Well… that would explain it. Perhaps I went a little overboard with the Jamaica rum as well…"
"Maybe a little," Regina said while a tired smile played on her lips; her eyes never left the badly affected Stella.
"All right, so maybe I did, but you asked for a quick fix. We got that. And then some."
"I'll say!"
"Yeah," Ruby said and rubbed her chin.
Caitlin and the peanut gallery of hired helpers and volunteers were fascinated spectators to the grand show, but they brought very little to the party other than slurping their draught beers and crunching on their pretzels and salty nuts. They looked from one participant of the unintentionally comedic show to the next with a gleam in their eyes that said they hoped the amusing Stellabeast would make another appearance.
Grunting, Ruby continued: "No, we need the real heavy stuff to get her back to normal. In my active days where my softball team toured the state six days a week, we used to straighten out players who were hung over… or homesick for that matter… with plenty of chocolate milk and bone-dry cookies."
Regina broke out in a shrug at Ruby's suggestion - it was as good as any. "Well, right now I'm open for any suggestion."
Ruby moved behind the bar counter to look through a couple of boxes and drawers she kept there; the quick gander at her inventory confirmed what she had already expected. "I only have salty crackers but they won't work. It needs to be… hmmm. Reggie, do you happen to know if all the bran digestives were eaten before?"
"I don't, but there wasn't much left of anything. Most of the appetizer trays were empty."
"Okay," Ruby said and rubbed her chin. "Hmmm. Well, it can't hurt to ask. I'll go over to the catering truck and see what I can find."
"Sounds like a plan, Ruby," Regina said and sat down next to Stella. "I'll stay right here in the meantime so we can avoid any mishaps. Or perhaps I should say any further mishaps. Eh, Miss Stellabeast?" she said and leaned in to bump shoulders with her sweetheart. Stella responded with a prolonged snicker and another shoulder-bump.
---
The strong coffee seemed to have calmed Stella down somewhat although she was still on the tipsy side of the fence as witnessed by her swimming eyes. Then, like someone flicking a switch, she let out a very long sigh and leaned forward. It was clear from the dark, somber, depressed expression on her face that she had slipped from the precipice of boundless joy and was presently plummeting to the depths of despair - or in other words, the Glum Express was fast leaving Paradise Station steaming for Rock Bottom.
Propping her head up on her arm, she sighed again and assumed a thousand-mile stare like she was revisiting her slightly-less-than-glorious past. "I'm such a failure, Reggie. A flake. A flop. A futz. A fabulist. A fiasco. Of the biff-boffin' worst kind," she said in a remarkably clear voice.
"Of course you're not… what kind of BS is that, Stell?" Regina said as she reached up to muss the shaggy haystack.
Stella sighed again and began to draw little patterns on the tabletop. "You don't have to sugar my bread, Snookums. I'm pretty much worthless all round."
"If you were, I'm quite sure you'd never have been able to get such a magnificent, gorgeous, luminous, knock-out bombshell of a girlfriend like moi, now would you?" Regina said and flicked her perfect mermaid hair over her perfect shoulder. It landed in a perfect cascade down her back, but it didn't draw as much as a twitch of a smile on Stella's lips. "Huh? C'mon, Stell… it's the Jamaica rum talking. You're being far too hard on yourself."
"No, I'm not. I was told I was a failure ever since I could speak."
"Ever since you could speak?" Regina said and narrowed her eyes. After all the years she had spent with Stella Starr, she shouldn't have been surprised by anything the fiery investigator could say, but the lack of an obvious connection to the general topic of the other parts of the conversation still intrigued her. "I think I need to hear a little more about that," she said and tickled Stella's neck.
"My father."
Regina let out a dark grunt. "Ohhhh. Okay. Yeah…"
"Do you know what my first word was, Reggie? Mama. My father was there and he had been hoping… expecting… hell, demanding that I should say Papa. But I didn't. I was a year-and-a-half and it really started the whole downhill slide between us. He already hated the fact I was a girl. He wanted an heir. His words. Like I couldn't be. I hate his guts."
Several crickets had time to chirp while Regina tried to compose an answer to the raw, deeply personal statement. Nothing came to her, so she had to settle for leaning in and kissing Stella's cheek. The first kiss wasn't enough, so she caressed the smooth cheek for as long as it took for Stella to turn her head - then another, deeper kiss on the lips was the natural follow-up.
"You're my friend, Reggie," Stella mumbled as she rubbed against Regina's tall frame. "My best friend. My only friend… and Laura, of course… in a blip-bloppin' nasty, nasty world that's only there to bring me down. Thank you for being here for me."
"You're welcome. I'll be here for as long as you want me to be."
Stella suddenly remembered the weird dream she'd had the other night - and she remembered the elder Stella's words about keeping the love going strong or risk losing it all. "Thank you. I love you like Teresa Maddalena tomato sauce on a Pizza Venezia… hold the garlic. Or like chocolate spread on white bread."
"That pretty much says it all, huh? Love ya right back, Stell," Regina said with a grin before she leaned in to complete the kissing trilogy. "How about we went over to the marquee tent so you can deliver that speech of yours? I'm dying to hear it after all this drama… and I'm sure Laura is wondering where we went."
"Yeah."
Before they could get up from the booth, Ruby came back in empty-handed. The experienced bar keep went straight over to her regular customers to deliver the bad news. "Sorry, guys… the catering chef didn't have any bran digestives left."
"Aw, that's all right, Ruby. It's the thought that counts," Stella said as she donned her white smoking jacket the right way around.
Ruby moved up to the bar counter to serve some of her other customers. After mixing a trio of bourbon-and-Cokes for Caitlin and her friends, she let out an amused chuckle. "Looking at you, I guess the matter's been dealt with, anyway. The coffee actually worked, huh? Remarkable. But then again, you always were."
"Hey, I resemble that remark!" Stella said and broke out in a wild snicker.
There was just enough time for Regina's eyes to open up wide at the sound of the unbridled snickering before Stella had calmed down to her regular volume - then she let out a sigh of relief and ran a hand through her mermaid hair.
"Listen, Ruby," Stella continued, "I'm really sorry for being such a blip-bloppin' pain in the you-know-what tonight… I never mean to, it just sorta-kinda happens…"
"Aw, no worries. I'm used to it."
"I guess," Stella said and let out another snicker. Grabbing Regina's slender hand, she gave it a little squeeze to show her gratitude - a blinding smile and several kissies flew back at her as her reward.
"I'll be relieved when all this is over, though," Ruby said as she dunked a tumbler in hot water and proceeded to wipe it off with a soft-haired brush that wouldn't leave scratches on the glass. "This was a far, far bigger project than I had imagined… at least your old friend isn't one of those awful Bridezillas. That would really have killed me. No, I can safely say that hosting a wedding was a one-time-only deal."
Stella and Regina nodded as they looked at each other - they could definitely sympathize with that particular notion. "I hear ya, Ruby," Stella said with a grin. "I don't know anyone else who's looking to marry… or I don't think I do, huh… anyway, you're in the clear-"
"At least until Valentine's Day," Regina said while she squeezed Stella's hand and sent several exaggerated winks downstairs so the puzzled owner of the hazel-greens could catch them. "You never know what's gonna happen on Valentine's Day!"
---
Leaving Rockin' Ruby's, the two investigators shuffled across the commandeered parking lot to get back to the marquee tent. The Saxy Ladies were playing a medley of classic tunes by the Andrews Sisters which meant the speeches had taken a break while the final serving of the day was being brought to the tables.
"I'm up next… after the coffee and the traditional marzipan treats," Stella said and patted the pocket of her smoking jacket where the important papers still were. Nodding somberly, she wiped her sore nose on the back of her hand. "Y'know, Reggie… I'm kinda looking forward to it. I mean, after alllllllll the weird stuff that's already happened today, it'll be kinda fun to drive onto memory lane. The speech will be good and fun, I just know it."
"I agree, Stell. Go for it, girl!" Regina said and moved over to bump shoulders and hips with her sweetheart - it produced plenty of snickers of the good kind as the two women re-entered the large tent and moved back to their table.
*
*
CHAPTER 6
The tireless waiters kept up their serving duties by bringing in tea and coffee as well as countless bottles of fine port, sherry and madeira. The sweet tooths among the adult wedding guests were kept satisfied by numerous trays of the traditional marzipan rings, large pieces of almond-walnut-honey-sticks and finally portions of bourbon-flavored vanilla ice cream in bowls of dark chocolate shaped like seashells. The younger guests could choose from fruit-flavored lollipops, bite-sized chocolates and candy canes. Bowls filled with healthy snacks in the shape of celery sticks, raisins, grapes, chunks of melon, and sliced bananas and carrots were placed on the tables, but they were hardly touched.
The number of wedding guests had been reduced a little after the waiters had removed the dirty plates left behind from the main course: a few of the oldest relatives had been driven home after thanking and saying goodbye to the newly-weds. Plenty of hugs and kisses had been exchanged as Laura and Alejandra had thanked each and every one of them for coming, and they had even escorted the family elders out to the waiting taxi cabs to show the proper respect.
As the fine spirits and exquisite treats were served, the din grew among the remaining wedding guests. It seemed that everyone had found a secret cache of energy as the constant wall of chatter continued to rise to previously unreached levels, and the fine port and the other dessert wines were sipped - or chugged down - while the treats were savored. The children had no interest in, or patience for, all the adult stuff, so they were playing tag around the tables while enjoying the lollipops and the bite-sized chocolates - the tireless little whirlwinds caused a few hairy situations now and then regarding tablecloths and the like, but no real dramas ensued.
The Saxy Ladies played brassy versions of a wide selection of oldies from several decades. The five musicians really had the tent going with their jiving beat, and some of the wedding guests had even begun to dance in front of the low dais in an effort to knock off some of the excess weight they had gained from all the food.
The professional photographers Miriam Johnston and Felix Gorman were still hard at work capturing all the charming, little moments that were inevitable at a major event such as a wedding: a shy smile from a little fellow who was given a new lollipop by his dad; a toothy grin from an inebriated uncle who held up and pretended to drink from a bottle of madeira; a particularly impressive dancing move from a would-be Travolta; a split-second gaze of pure love between the newly-weds - all caught on film or memory card.
Stella and Regina walked around the tables greeting the other guests and sending waves toward the main table. There, Laura and her mother were engaged in a heavy conversation regarding the relative merits of cantaloupes versus honeydew melons. Lieutenant Colonel Vicente Cruz looked on with a barely hidden grin on his lips.
Sitting down, Stella took an ultra-brief peek into a bowl of healthy snacks that had been placed on their table for some inexplicable reason. She grimaced at the sight of the shredded-carrot salad that greeted her and pushed away the bowl at once.
"C'mon, Stell… it's got raisins in it as well. I know you like raisins… and carrots are good for you," Regina said and picked up the bowl now that her sweetheart didn't want it. Taking a spoon from a tray of clean eating utensils on the table, she dug in and began to eat the carrot salad to get a respite from the sugary treats that she had sampled all day.
"Oh-ho yeah, I love raisins. In a Tutti Frutti ice cream! Not contaminated by that… that… that carrot-thing."
"Suit yourself," Regina continued as she took another spoonful.
Nodding to prove that she intended to do just that, Stella looked around for something sugary to get a respite from all the healthy snacks that seemed to gang up on her. As she eyed a tray of marzipan treats on the next table, she zoomed over there at once to pick up a couple of pieces.
---
Everyone cheered when one of the headlining events of the final part of the grand post-wedding bash arrived in the shape of a wedding cake seven layers and four feet tall - it looked delicious but was certainly a monstrosity as its weight necessitated no less than three waiters to carry it. Laura and Alejandra promptly cut a large slice out of it and took great enjoyment from giving each other a cake-fork-ful of the extravagant creation.
While they savored the richness and the creamy taste of the fifty-thousand-calorie delight, they giggled at the two small figurines balancing on the top level of the cake: both were obviously brides, but rather than carrying two flower bouquets as was common practice, one of the figurines seemed to hold up a rolling pin in a somewhat threatening fashion.
After Stella had eaten a surprisingly narrow slice of the wedding cake - a mere two inches wide which was nothing by her standards - she looked at Regina and sent her a non-verbal message that the time had finally come. Taking a tea spoon, she clinked the side of her glass of fine port to make the other guests know that someone intended to hold a speech.
Her chair was pushed back without snags for a change, and the pages of text she had worked so hard to create were finally in her hand. Blood, sweat and tears had been shed, hair had been pulled, hissy-fits had been thrown, multiple boxes of donuts had been devoured and three entire cardboard frames of Slurrpies of all kinds had been emptied to get the near-surreal recordings straightened out and committed to paper. The time had finally come to deliver The Speech.
The dance band rounded off their latest set with a flurry from the lead saxophonist, and most of the guests in the marquee tent fell quiet in anticipation of the day's penultimate speech. Unfortunately, a female voice continued to chit-chat in the far corner. A braying laugh broke loose on frequent occasions which created a wave of embarrassed snickers at more than one of the other round tables.
At a lull in the constant stream of chit-chatting, Stella opened her mouth to begin her speech, but before she had time to do as much as take a deep breath, she was rudely interrupted by another volley of the braying laughter. Her face slowly scrunched up into a mask of perfect annoyance as she looked around for the dastardly speech-assassin.
Regina scratched her cheek as did Laura Cruz; they briefly locked eyes across the crowded tent. Both were aware that it couldn't be long before their mutual fiery friend would let Atomic Stella out to play and go off on one of her world-famous heated tirades.
The chit-chatting continued, blissfully unaware that everyone else had piped down. The seconds ticked by with no change in the amount of yapping until Stella's wick was finally lit:
"Oy! It's my turn to talk, Sister! Oy!" Stella barked at the top of her lungs. It made the snickers die down, but not the chit-chatting which only made everything worse. Stella mouthed plenty of unpleasantries before she tried again: "And another oy! Can't you hear me say oy, fer-Evelyn's-sake! When I say oy, it means oy and that means I'd like to speak now thank-ye-very-much! So there!"
The lady in question - one of the many aunts of the Gutiérrez family - finally got the message that she was the one the fiery woman was trying to reach. Looking around in a bewildered daze created by half a bottle of fine port and a vast pile of marzipan treats, she piped down to allow someone else to have the stage.
"Thank you!" Stella growled before she rolled her shoulders to get into a positive frame of mind for delivering the speech. Looking up, she locked eyes with Laura and Rosário Cruz who both wore beaming, proud smiles. The big moment had finally arrived, and she drew a deep breath to get underway: "Dear Laura. Dear Alejandra. Let me start by congratulating you both. I wish you all the best for the coming six or seven decades. Everyone in here knows this is forever."
The first round of sniffles already made its way around the tables; 'Mama' Rosário in particular needed to blow the trumpet over the surprisingly romantic opening volley. The only handkerchief she had access to was already quite spent, so Vicente lend his mother a pristine one from his uniform pants.
Stella grinned as she moved from the opening few lines to the first larger block of text. "Where there's a future, there must be a past. For those here who don't know, Laura… Law… and I go way back. Way, way back, in fact… we first met in school when we were both nine years old. And ohhhh-boy did we do some wild, daring, kookie things back then!"
A ripple of laughter moved around the tent; it made Stella pause until it had died down. "Law, you were the new girl in class, and our teachers… in all their wisdom… made us sit next to each other so you could have an easy introduction to the other pupils. Well, we hit off from the start and were soon close. Not because we were clones of each other, but because we were so different. You also had a brand new Sony Walkman, and I was so taken by it I actually fell off my chair when I saw it for the first time. Remember?"
"Oh, I remember. It was yellow and I loved it!" Laura said with a broad grin.
Stella smiled back; it briefly faded when she recalled her father's angry response to her birthday wishlist for that year - the only item on it was a Walkman identical to Laura's, only green. Such blatantly commercial foolishness couldn't be tolerated in the Starr household so she was given a recent translation of Pier Paolo Abruzzini's Nobel-prize-winning Heed My Warning, Domenico instead.
Returning to the present, Stella sought out Regina's eyes for a little moral support before she moved on in her speech: "We had only known each other for a few weeks when I visited your home for the first time. My Mom had made me wear a special set of fine clothes to make a good first impression. A pleated skirt and a blouse. Well, it was certainly fine, but not beyond the first five minutes or so… then we started playing and my blouse and skirt were soon, ah, messy."
"And that's putting it mildly!" Rosário exclaimed before she wiped her eyes and let out a loud laugh that rippled through the entire room. Laura grinned and shook her head as the colorful memories of all their youthful encounters came back to her.
"As a matter of fact, we played with dolls like a pair of proper girls should," Stella continued, "except they weren't regular dolls but your set of Masters Of The Universe action figures. Oy-oy-oy, we both wanted to be She-Ra so bad we almost got into an argument over it! As I recall, you won the right to use the action figure because she was yours to begin with, but I took sweet revenge on you by making your Skeletor figure open an all-night bakery that alllllll the pretty girls would come to. So there!"
"Ohhhhhhhhh," Laura said and broke out in a long, warm snicker that soon claimed Alejandra, Stella and most of the guests in the marquee tent as well.
Still grinning, Stella raised her glass of fine port. "And this is a good time for a toast. Cheers, Laura and Alejandra!" she said and took a tiny sip. As she put it down, she winked at Regina who couldn't wipe the grin off her face at her sweetheart's wonderful tale.
Once the wedding photographers had taken a few more pictures and the guests had settled down again, Stella moved onto the next glorious tale from their shared past: "Later the same summer, we decided it was high time for a weekend safari into the hills close to your home. And of course, we pretended we were a couple of adventurers off to explore Africa! So we packed a lot of things that we expected to use. Canned food from your mother's pantry as well as matches, extra clothes and toilet paper. We didn't think of digging out your brother's sleeping bags nor his Boy Scout tent, but I digress." As she spoke, she cast a glance at Vicente who couldn't wipe a broad grin off his face; he nodded when they locked eyes.
"All right," Stella continued, "everything was loaded onto our bikes and off we went. The first four hundred yards around the neighborhood streets went just fine, but then one of us sorta had a klutz moment which left one of the bikes with a flat tire. Undaunted, we tried to stuff all the safari gear into our backpacks, but we had to leave the canned food behind because there just wasn't room for it. And we set off on foot! An hour later, the shine had gone off that particular adventure. Not because of dangerous snakes in the tall grass, or the merciless African sun beating down upon us, or even the threat of blood-sucking mosquitos attacking us… but because we had become hopelessly lost in the maze of streets. We hadn't even made it out of the residential area! By pure, dumb luck we met someone from our class, and his Dad called your Dad and ohhhhh-boy, I won't forget that conversation either!"
As a roar of laughter filled the marquee tent, several flashes went off from Miriam Johnston's Rosenblatt camera to capture the reactions in ultra-crisp, high-contrast black-and-white.
Stella shared a long look with 'Mama' Rosário and Laura that proved the speech was the success she had hoped it would be. Reaching onto the table, she took a tumbler of Slurrpy Cherry Cola Extra Cherry for the next toast rather than the glass of port to ensure she wouldn't drift off on a boozy tidal wave all over again. "We made it back from the distant continent of Africa only to find ourselves grounded for two weekends. It didn't matter 'cos we had fun getting there. I could go on and on, but I probably shouldn't. Or maybe just one more for old times' sake! First, though, we need a toast. Cheers!"
Everyone raised their drinks and took a sip. Some took a longer swig, and some chugged down what they had in their glasses - the waiters were quick to refill the empty glasses from the selection of high-quality spirits.
Stella waited for everyone to settle down again before she flipped the page. After scanning the next few paragraphs to have them fresh in her mind, she glanced at Regina and then over to the main table and Rosário Cruz to gauge how they thought it was going. Both women were visibly captivated by the speech, and that gave Stella a solid boost.
"Now, many of the things Law and I did back then should perhaps remain hidden in the murky depths of oblivion… like the time when we spliced our allowance and bought a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. We had just turned thirteen. We were finally teenagers and we wanted to be seen as real adults! Besides, all the grown-ups around us smoked all the time, so it had to be a pleasurable pastime. Right? You won the draw for the first puff, Laura, and I'll never forget the green tinge your face gained when the smoke entered your mouth. It put both of us off smoking for good so it wasn't all bad… oh, perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned that in the presence of Mama Rosário. Cheers!"
Ripples of laughter rolled through the wedding guests; Laura blushed and looked down at the table. Alejandra reached over to give her wife's hand a supportive squeeze - it was needed since Rosário hadn't known of that particular event in Laura's life. After a few moments, Laura glanced over to her mother whose left eyebrow was up near her hairline. The two women held the gaze for a few moments before they both broke out in identical snickers.
Stella watched the non-verbal exchange unfold as she drained her tumbler and then the can of Cherry Cola Extra Cherry. Smiling, she put down the empty can and took a Slurrpy Apricot Smooth that she cracked open at once to have something for the next part of the speech. The taste wasn't one of her favorites, but she had cleared out the cooler box for all but a few exotics so she needed to drink it if she wanted to wet her whistle on a non-alcoholic drink.
Only one page remained of her speech. She knew it would be an emotional one for the Cruz family, and even herself, to get through since it revolved around the one who wasn't there - Laura and Vicente's late father Alfredo. Stella read through the paragraphs a couple of times while she debated with herself on whether or not to read it aloud. "Hey, Reggie…" she said as she briefly sat down, "d'ya think I should read the last section? I'm floppin' like a big tuna on dry land here… I don't know what I should do."
"I think you should go on, Stell," Regina said and reached across the table to give Stella's nearest hand a squeeze. "It's an important part of your common past. That's what the speech is about, after all."
"Yeah… yeah, you're right. Okay. Holy can-of-mussels-in-sunflower-oil, I hope I won't break down and wail like I did when I wrote it," Stella said and rose from her chair.
Regina let out an emphatic "So do I!" before she moved her hands up to act as a pre-emptive measure in case Stella's floodgates would burst again. That someone hadn't called the fire department on the day where Stella had transcribed that section of the recordings was a near-miracle - her wailing had reached Olympian volume and intensity.
"Ladies and Gentlemen… Ladies and Gentlemen, settle down, please… there ain't much left, then we can get to the real important stuff like drinking, eating and dancing!" Stella said, holding up the final page of her speech. Once the ripples of laughter and pockets of common chit-chat had died down again, her eyes flew over the opening lines several times like she needed a final confirmation of her decision to go on.
Drawing a deep breath to steel her resolve, she went ahead in a voice that was a little more somber than the one she had used for the humorous parts of the speech: "We can't choose our parents so we need to thank our lucky stars when we end up with a couple of great people. You certainly did, Laura. Mama Rosário has always been there for you and your brother, for me and for everyone who has ever needed a little help or just a friendly soul to confide in."
As Stella spoke, she looked at first Laura and then Rosário whose eyes had misted over. They shared a wistful smile before she went on: "And your father Alfredo was always a pillar of strength. A man… a real man who didn't need to raise his voice or his hand to get the message across. When your father spoke, everyone listened because we knew he meant what he said. Never unjust in his actions. Never unfair in his decisions. Never prejudiced in his view of anyone. Never dismissive toward us though we did foolish things from time to time. Always loving. Always listening. Always there. As I'm sure we all know, Alfredo Cruz left us too soon. He isn't with us today, at least not in person. We would all have loved to see him at your side, Laura, but a large part of him is here, now. All the adjectives I just used to describe him also describe you. You have inherited all the best parts of your mother and father, and you've mixed those parts with your own personality to create the wonderful woman you are today… therefore… Ladies and Gentlemen, let's make the final toast for the amazing, the outstanding, the gorgeous Laura Cruz and Alejandra Gutiérrez. Three cheers for the newly-weds!"
As the camera flashes went off like a lightning storm and the wedding guests all raised their glasses and chanted the traditional Hurrahs, Stella drained the entire can of Apricot Smooth in a series of deep gulps - then she flopped down onto the chair and let out the world's biggest sigh of relief. "I did it… and I didn't even wail," she croaked after several seconds of nothing but staring and breathing.
"I'm oh-so-very proud of you, Stell… on both accounts," Regina said and leaned over to place a large, lengthy kiss on Stella's apricot-tasting lips.
Once they separated, Stella's broad grin that had been put there by the sweet surprise faded when she looked over to the main table. She scrunched up her face in concern when she noted that Rosário was crying into a handkerchief. Vicente was busy comforting his mother, but he sent Stella a thumbs-up as soon as he could to show the tears stemmed from joy and pride rather than sadness. The gesture helped a little, but Stella still felt guilty for making 'Mama' Rosário cry.
Only a short twenty seconds later, Regina needed to move an entire foot to the side to make way for the white tornado that hurried through the marquee tent like a desert phantom of yore. Laura Cruz practically jumped onto Stella's lap as she wrapped her arms around her and pulled her into the smothering hug to end all smothering hugs. "Ohhhhh, Stella… I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that wonderful speech… I never knew you had it in you!"
"Oh, you're very welc- huh?! I beg yer pardon?!" Stella said while flashing a mock scowl that soon turned into a broad grin.
"All those crazy, crazy things we did together… oh Gawd, those cigarettes! I had completely blanked that out… thanks for reminding me! And Mama didn't know about it!"
"Oh, yeah, well… Harrison-Starr delivers as always. Congratulations, Law," Stella said and pulled her oldest and dearest friend in for another large hug.
"And thank you so very much for the kind words you said about Dad… he loved you, you know. He really did. He loved you just as much as he loved Vicente and me."
Stella's smile turned distinctly wistful and she gained a distant look in her eyes. Although she didn't want to sour the moment by thinking about her own father, a memory of one of the few times the two men had ever met flashed onto her mind's eye. The contrast between them couldn't have been greater, and it had rarely been more evident than on that day.
She had been playing at Laura's but had lost track of time - as usual. To spare the little one from getting into too much trouble, Alfredo Cruz had driven her home in his squad car where he had shown her the police radio and had even allowed her to play with the various switches for the emergency lights and the siren.
Stella's father had met his eleven-year-old daughter and the police detective at the door. He had been all smiles as he thanked Alfredo for the escort, but in private, the smiles faded and were replaced by anger and plenty of scolding words - not for forgetting the time, but for the ignominy of having a police vehicle parked outside. He worked hard to maintain a certain standing in the community, and what wouldn't the neighbors think? For that alone, he had slapped her hard across the cheek, grounded her for two full weeks and had revoked her telephone privileges for the remainder of the month.
Tears of bitterness began to sting at the back of Stella's eyes at the grim memory, but she was determined not to wail at that or at Laura's beautiful words. A few sniffles were inevitable, however, and were duly performed though it hurt her sore nose. "Yeah. I loved him, too…" she said in a thick voice.
Unfortunately for all involved, the poignant moment between the two old friends was about to be interrupted in the most impolite fashion possible. The chair they shared hadn't been designed to seat two, so it creaked a little, then a little more, then groaned a little, then groaned a little more - and then the four legs went in separate directions with a screechy squeak and a metallic moan. As it gave up the ghost altogether, Stella Starr and Laura Cruz were sent onto the floor in an entangled mess of arms, legs, shaggy hair and a lacy veil that had fallen down although it conflicted with traditions.
Two seconds later, they broke out in the type of unbridled laughter that only old friends could produce when they had been up to even more mischief of the old-fashioned kind. "Oy!" Stella croaked as she tried in vain to dis-entangle herself from Laura's various limbs and the large wedding gown. "Oy-oy-oy, we better get outta this mess before your wife sees us! I don't wanna get you deeee-vorced at your wedding party! Not after the day we've- oy! Whose blip-bloppin' leg is that?!"
The little accident caused several ripples of snickers and general chit-chatting to roll through the marquee tent. Felix Gorman snapped several crooked angles of the little mishap while displaying a broad smirk on his face; perhaps he considered it fair payback for when Stella had yelled at him for no reason earlier in the day.
Standing right next to the epicenter of the Stella-typical mini-disaster, Regina could only sigh and look skyward - then she reached down to help the two women get back on their feet.
-*-*-*-
The reams of red, green and blue LED party lights installed all over the inner ceiling of the marquee tent were turned on at the stroke of seven. Evening had officially fallen on the grand wedding day, and the final part of the lengthy plan detailing the post-wedding bash had been reached.
Although nearly all of the guests who had brought their children along to the big event had said their goodbyes to the brides, there were still quite a few people left. Nearly everyone who had stayed clustered in front of the dais where the lead saxophonist of the Saxy Ladies kept them entertained by the relatively simple task of going through the scales but doing so in a rather fetching way indeed.
Stella got up from the main table and walked back to where Regina sat. She had spent the past ten minutes getting reassurances from Rosário Cruz that the tears that had been shed had indeed been created by the joyous occasion, and that she had been quite taken with Stella's speech. The wedding had been an emotional rollercoaster for the entire Cruz family, there was no doubt about that, but it had been a good kind of cleansing journey because it was one they had been on together.
A Slurrpy was sorely needed after that, so Stella cracked open a can of South Seas Exotic Fruit Squash and drained it all in a single sequence of gulps. She stood behind her brand new chair instead of sitting down, and Regina took the cue with both hands and got up from her own chair. "I know what you need right now. You need to de-stress," she whispered for Stella's ears only.
"Huh. Agreed. But we gotta wait until we get home for that… too many people around right now," Stella said and turned the can upside down in the hope of finding just one more drop at the bottom of it.
Regina chuckled and reached up to fluff Stella's shaggy haystack. "Noted. But it wasn't what I meant. You need to don your dancing shoes and shake your cutie patootie."
As some among the clapping and cheering guests began to shout requests for something they could stretch their dancing legs to, the saxophone band complied and went to work playing a program of uptempo tunes that everyone knew and could dance to - even the wallflowers and those who considered themselves incapable of putting one foot ahead of the other without stumbling twice.
Laura and Alejandra moved over from the main table to take center stage first. The brides danced so close and so sexily that good-natured hoots and hollers from the other guests were inevitable. The dance band set the scene with Wham!'s Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, and the newly-weds soon got down to business by swinging around, dipping, dancing, boogieing, caressing and even a slight bout of lip-nibbling to the warm, brassy sounds of the saxophones.
"C'mon, Stell… let's shake our thang!" Regina said, already shaking her shoulders and twisting her hips to the catchy beat.
"Can't…"
"Awww, why not?" Regina said without looking at her sweetheart. "So you're a little clumsy. Who cares! We're all family here!"
"It's not that…"
"Huh? Then what?"
"My glasses steamed up from watching Laura and Alejandra…" Stella said, taking off the aforementioned spectacles which left her blind as a mole and in no condition to enter any kind of floor, much less a dance floor where the safety of other people's feet depended on her hand-eye-coordination. She patted all her pockets for a clean handkerchief, napkin or paper tissue but came up short in all three categories. When Regina stuffed a fresh hankie into her hands, she lit up like a little, mop-topped sun. "Thanks, Reggie! You're my friend, you know that?"
A quick wipe-wipe-wipe later, she pushed the spectacles up her nose and grabbed Regina's hand. "Now we can dance! Watch out world, Stella Starr comin' through!" she cried and jumped into the fray.
To fit the merry theme of the wedding bash, the Saxy Ladies played You're Eggin' Me On by the novelty band Chicky Boc-Boc & The Egg-Nogs, and the bouncy tune sent Stella into a good kind of overdrive. Her elegant outfit was given a severe workout as she hopped, twisted, shook and shimmied to the beat. The white smoking jacket soon billowed out like someone pointed a fan straight at it, and her black slacks and patent-leather shoes saw action the designers had never envisioned. For once, she didn't care about how she looked in such a situation but concentrated on gettin' down to the best of her abilities.
Next to Stella, Regina was slightly more restrained, but she didn't need to go all-out to attract attention from the wedding guests. Her dance routine inevitably turned into a first-class posing show that saw her strutting her stuff, swinging her perfect mermaid hair and cocking her shapely hips to the steady rhythms.
Regina's restraint came to an involuntary end when the saxophone band segued from You're Eggin' Me On into Hey There, Mizz Honey Bee by another novelty band, The Buzzin'-Novas. The even bouncier party tune was enough for Stella to let out a squeal of delight and grab hold of Regina's hands. Within moments, they performed a wild dance act that wouldn't have looked out of place in a 1920s Charleston speakeasy. Their arms went hither, their legs went yon, their hair went all over the place and the rest of them just went, full stop.
It didn't take long for everyone else to join the wild ladies on the dance floor after that wondrous display of dancing skills, and the whole marquee tent was soon transformed into a heaving mass of flailing arms, wiggling hips and bobbing hair.
---
Three hours and fifteen minutes of non-stop dancing, playing, panting and kissing - or kissing and then panting in some cases - later, the proverbial cups of even the most diehard dancer or connoisseur of saxophone music had begun to runneth over, and quite a few people had withdrawn to the round tables to catch their breaths and enjoy what was left in the final bottles of fine port, sherry or madeira.
Only the hard core of wedding guests remained at the foot of the dais, and even they danced a little slower than they had done earlier in the set. Stella and Regina had their hands placed squarely on each other's hips and were engaged in a slow, close dance that followed their own beat rather than the one played by the Saxy Ladies.
Laura and Alejandra had been away for a while helping Vicente escort 'Mama' Rosário over to the relative peace and quiet of Rockin' Ruby's, but they had soon returned and had thrown themselves into the dancing with merry abandon and seemingly inexhaustible supplies of energy. They had kept up the frantic wiggling for longer than anyone, but they had eventually mirrored the two investigators by slowing down and wrapping up tight until they were in their own little world.
The band responded by slowing down as well; soon, they started playing a brassy version of Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You that was received with a cheer by all the remaining guests. The legendary love ballad was the tune the people hadn't known they needed to hear, and the dance floor was soon filled once more with couples swaying in the arms of their loved one.
"Ohhhhh, I wish we could stay like this for-flippin'-ever and ever," Stella mumbled into Regina's soft mother-of-pearl blouse. They swayed along to the music for another couple of beats before they needed to shuffle aside for another couple who came a little too close in their dancing efforts.
"I agree. This is nice," Regina said as she gave her sweetheart a little squeeze. Not long after, they needed to shuffle to the other side to make room for the same couple who came dancing back the other way - still without paying attention to where their fellow dancers were at the time.
"Oh, this is way more than nice. It's-"
"Very nice?"
"More than that."
"Really nice?"
"Much more…"
"Really, really nice?"
Chuckling, Stella adjusted her right arm to make it sit even better across Regina's long, shapely back. She clawed it a little and was rewarded by a deep mewling. "So nice I can't come up with a blip-bloppin' word that's strong enough to describe it."
"And that doesn't happen very often…"
"Oy! Reggie! Are we dancing or what?"
"We're dancing, Stell. We're dancing," Regina said and gave Stella's rear end a squeeze just because she could. It earned her a husky snicker and a little hug in return - then they carried on swaying to the old movie hit and the ones that followed it.
-*-*-*-
All good things must come to an end, and the post-wedding bash of Laura Cruz and Alejandra Gutiérrez was no different. While Regina called Steve Darrian's chauffeur to have him bring over the limousine, the newly-weds moved around all the tables hugging, kissing and thanking the remaining guests for the wedding gifts, for showing up and for eating all the free food - the latter comment was directed squarely at Stella who responded by sticking out her tongue at her old friend.
'Mama' Rosário had returned to the marquee tent after cleaning out her opponents in a few rounds of Canasta over at Rockin' Ruby's. She sat on a chair at the main table to rest her painful knees, and she and the Lieutenant Colonel were nipping fine port from a pair of small glasses to tie a suitable knot on the long, hard and emotional day. A drawn-out chuckle escaped her as she witnessed Stella being Stella; she continued to chuckle as she shook her head at the improbability of an adult acting in the exact same fashion as when she had been a young girl.
Laura still snickered at having been the recipient of one of Stella's infamous tongue-wiggles as she pulled her old friend into another hug. "Thank you, Stell… this has been an incredible day. Simply an incredible day… I'll never forget it for as long as I live."
"Aw, you're welcome. Lemme tell ya, it was a tough, tough job… but it was definitely my privilege to do it. Hey, you're on your own for the rest of the evening and night… ya think ya can manage? Perhaps you should have my number ready in case you need any tips. Eh? Eh? Eh?" Stella said, nudging an index finger into Laura's midsection while delivering a series of saucy winks.
"Well, I'm definitely not gonna have you hanging around at the other end of a conference call, young lady!" Laura said sharply - the stern facade lasted all of one-point-seven seconds before she broke down in a wild snicker that immediately claimed Stella as well.
The old friends looked deeply into each other's eyes for several long seconds; it was clear they were reminiscing about all the things they had done together back in the day. Shaking their heads in unison, they pulled each other in for another hug before Laura moved onto the next guests she needed to thank.
---
Outside the marquee tent, what seemed to be half the number of taxi cabs in Bay City had lined up to drive the many wedding guests home. Ruby Albrecht, Megan Austin - who had come back after zipping home to change into a set of regular clothes; the bright-orange prison fatigues she used for wrestling attracted the wrong kind of attention when spending any amount of time on the street - and several others of the hired helpers and volunteers were directing traffic to make sure the aircraft-carrier-sized stretch-limo had room to come about when it showed up.
It soon did, and Laura and Alejandra were escorted out to the vehicle and the waiting chauffeur by Rosário, Vicente and Alejandra's closest family. Even more hugs, kisses and well-wishes were exchanged before the newly-weds were helped onto the back seat of the stretch Lincoln. The side window was rolled down at once accompanied by plenty of flashing cameras, loud cheering, unrestrained hooting and enthusiastic waving as the hugely long car trickled away from the marquee tent, across the parking lot and into the late-evening traffic of Bay City.
"Awwww, and there they go! Hoooooooo-flippin'-raaaaahhh!" Stella cried as she waved for all she was worth. As the limousine finally went out of sight, her dead-tired arm dropped down her side like a lead balloon.
The first three taxi cabs that rolled up to the marquee tent after the limousine had left were reserved for the families of the brides. Rosário and Vicente took the first one which prompted even more cheering, waving and weeping. "Stella! It's your turn next!" 'Mama' Rosário cried out of the open window as her cab pulled away.
"Now, what could she possibly mean by that, Stell?" Regina said, repeatedly nudging an elbow into Stella's side. While she was doing that, she used her free hand to flick her perfect mermaid hair over her perfect shoulder to present the perfect image of an eligible bachelorette.
"Owch! Quit pokin' me, Sister!" Stella said, side-stepping several times to get away from Regina's powerful, pointy elbows that had been honed in the ancient arts of Poke-Kwan-Do by her lengthy involvement in the shark-eat-shark world known as Modeling.
"Are you evading the dangerous question, dahling?"
"Of course not! Look at the time. Can you believe the new sugar tax? How about them Bay City Bulldawgs? Ohhhh, what a day it's been…"
Regina broke out in a broad grin at the guilty look on Stella's face. The grin was contagious, and they stood grinning like that for a moment before Regina wrapped an arm around the shorter woman's shoulder, turned them both around and began to shuffle back to the tent.
"I wonder where Laura and Alejandra will spend their honeymoon," Stella said as she concealed a yawn with the back of her hand.
"Don't know. They didn't tell you?"
"No. All I know is that they'll spend the night at a five-star hotel and then drive to the airport tomorrow morning. Hmmm, maybe, just maybe they'll fly to Spain 'cos that's where the Gutiérrez family comes from originally. Can't say, though. Ah, I guess we'll have to wait and see," Stella said as they entered the marquee tent that had almost cleared out.
---
The departures of the major players signaled the end of the day's countless, tiring activities, and everyone seemed to let out a collective sigh - some of disappointment that it was over already, and some of relief that it was finally over.
After the limousine and the families of the brides had left, it was time for the rest of the long line of taxi cabs to literally drive into the light that shone out of the marquee tent. Ruby, Megan and the other volunteers were soon hard at work making sure the typically inebriated wedding guests took the same cab as their husbands or wives so no family dramas would ensue later on. The parking lot in front of Rockin' Ruby's was awash in all the colors of the rainbow as green, red, yellow, blue and even silver cabs came, picked up fares and left in a hurry to make room for the next one.
---
Inside the marquee tent, Regina was detained by two of the younger among the volunteers who asked politely for selfies. Stella carried on by herself and went over to the chair that had replaced the one she had used all evening - the one that had been crushed under the combined weight of her and Laura - and fell down into it. After the fizzle had gone out of the post-wedding bash, her internal reactor had run out of atomic power and had come to a grinding halt. For a long while, she just sat there staring and breathing, but even the 'staring'-part became difficult when her eyelids insisted on slipping shut at increasingly regular intervals.
Megan Austin came into the tent and offered Stella a wave, but although the dead-tired investigator did in fact notice it, she didn't have enough energy left to put up her leaden arm to wave back. The lack of sleep the previous night soon made its presence felt, and the sleepies began to knock on the proverbial door. She tried pinching the bridge of her nose, rubbing her cheeks and then her forehead, but none of it was enough. A wide yawn cracked her face wide open. Smacking her lips, she fell into a semi-comatose state that caused her to just sit there and practice her thousand-mile stare without seeing anything at all.
The Saxy Ladies were busy packing up and were putting their expensive instruments into padded packing crates. Stella really wanted to tell them how impressed she was with their impeccable playing all evening, but she couldn't work up the energy needed to turn her head or use her vocal cords, much less get her heavy behind up from the chair.
Regina had finally finished being the motif of countless selfies, so she strolled over to the morose Stella. On her way there, she changed her mind and moved over to where the refrigerated buffet carts had been until recently. A cardboard box had been filled with the last remaining cans of Slurrpy, and she peeked into it to see what was left. A single can of Cherry Cola stared back at her, so she quickly liberated it from its cardboard prison. There were still several cans of Carbonated Mineral Water left, so she took one of those as well before she carried on strolling back to Stella.
She looked around for a hard tool of some kind to crack open the cans so her well-manicured fingernails wouldn't be harmed by the metal flaps. One was soon found in the shape of a tea spoon that had fallen onto the floor and had been forgotten. The two cans were soon opened and put on the round table where she and Stella had sat all evening. "Hiya, Sleeping Beauty. Found you a cherry cola," she said and pushed the can over to her bombed-out friend, colleague and a whole lot more.
"Thanks, Reggie. You look indecent-" Stella mumbled, but she was assaulted by a horrendously wide yawn before she could complete the sentence.
"Au contraire, mon cheri… I look fabulous," Regina said and flicked her perfect mermaid hair over her perfect shoulder safe in the knowledge it would land in a perfect cascade down her perfect back.
Stella smacked her lips several times before she moved up the can of cherry cola to take a long swig. The caffeine, sugar and artificial flavor seemed to give her a little boost as she was finally able to sit up straight. "Haw-haw. Verrrrry funny. I was gonna say you look indecently fresh. Like you haven't just been through a sixteen-hour wringer of a day. I'm beat. No, I'm worse than beat… I'm like a piece of soggy asparagus."
"Oh, what a charming image," Regina said with a chuckle before she took a swig of the mineral water. "One, I slept well last night and you didn't go to bed at all. Two, I'm used to crazy-long days from all the fashion shows and even the photoshoots I've been at over the years. This was a fairly normal working day, time-wise."
Before Stella could answer, Ruby Albrecht entered the tent like a battle commander leading an impressive team of hired helpers and volunteers that included Megan, Caitlin, Debbie Schwartz and Samantha Welles. Megan tried waving at Stella and Regina again, and this time, both women waved back at her and gave her a thumbs-up. Caitlin had found time to button her shirt properly, but her hair was still a mess and she had missed a streak of lipstick on the lower-right side of her neck when she had cleaned herself up after her little adventure on - or across, to be precise - the back seat of her Beetle.
Ruby carried a plastic crate filled with bottles. Putting it down on one of the round tables, she took out several of them that were revealed to be various types of liquor that only had one or two shots left in them at the most. Once she had done that, she reached into the crate once more to retrieve a plastic bag containing disposable drinking cups. It was unopened, but she proceeded to tear off the top so she could remove the cups.
"Everybody! Lend me your ears!" she said and held up her hands in the hope of catching the attention of the busy volunteers. Unlike the last time where she had been hopelessly unsuccessful in making herself heard, the people noticed her at once. "I know you're all tired, but we're not done yet. We need to dismantle the marquee tent and the dais, put the tableware into the proper boxes, pack up the tables and the, uh… remaining chairs, and then carry everything over to the bar so the fellas from the rental company who'll swing by in the early hours of the morning can transfer it to their truck in good order. Once we have accomplished all that, there's a little liquid reward in it for you. Any questions? All right, let's get to it."
As the volunteers began to move around the marquee tent like an anthill that had been disturbed, Regina looked at her delicate hands and fingers. "Ew… manual labor. These hands aren't meant for manual labor… Stell, do you think Ruby would be insulted if I-"
ZZZZZZZzzzzz…
"Stella?"
ZZZZZZZzzzzz…
The mop-topped investigator had finally succumbed to the weeks of strain and stress, the sleepless night, the dragon-like wailing, blowing the trumpet fifty times or more, the squeaky throat, the shock therapy in the shape of an extra-extra-extra-potent rum toddy, several bouts of vigorous dancing, the horrendous harangue of hiccups, a mountain of wieners and cold potato salad, a bowl of meatless 'chili sin carne,' half a crate's worth of Slurrpy soft drinks and finally the big speech.
ZZZZZZZzzzzz…
Still holding onto the half-empty can of cherry cola, she was slumped against the backrest with her eyes closed and her slack jaw nearly flapping in the breeze. Because of the way her head was tilted backward, the snores she let out were impressive and resembled a sawmill in full swing.
ZZZZZZZzzzzz…
"Stell? Wakey-wakey…"
ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz…
"Oooooookay," Regina said and used her free hand to scratch her forehead. A sip of carbonated mineral water followed while she tried to come up with a plan that would appease both Ruby Albrecht and the slumbering pint-sized giant Stella Starr. When nothing came to her at first, she carefully extracted the can of cherry cola from Stella's limp fingers and put it on the table so it wouldn't end up all over the elegant outfit. "Oh, Stella," she whispered before she let out a long snicker.
Stella's only response was an impressively loud, grinding, prolonged ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
*
*
EPILOGUE
Forty-five minutes later, a yellow Ford Crown Victoria from the Taurus Cab Company rolled to a halt in front of the correct entrance among the cluster of seven, nine and eleven-story high-rises in one of Bay City's residential neighborhoods. Because of the lateness of the day, the parking lot in front of the apartment complexes was illuminated by street lamps that cast cones of sickly-pale, yellowish light down onto the cars parked between the white lines.
Car theft, burglaries or vandalism wasn't a problem in that part of the city, but blinking red LEDs in the windows or on the dashboards of most of the vehicles proved their alarms had been set just in case. A gap in the row of parked cars was reserved for Stella's chocolate-brown AMC Pacer. At present, it was sitting pretty out on the parking lot of Rockin' Ruby's waiting for its owner to sober up - or rather wake up.
The female cab driver flicked a switch near the rear-view mirror to turn on the interior lights; the small bulb did its duty by illuminating Lucinda Huerta behind the wheel and Regina and Stella in the back. The cabbie had originally met the two investigators after she had been conned by a gang of dastardly counterfeiters who had paid their fare with a fake one-hundred dollar bill. She couldn't go to her garage boss for help or even report it to the police because she had a criminal record, but the Harrison-Starr Detective Agency had come to her rescue and had busted the gang through a counter-con - they had stayed in touch ever since and even had a direct line to her for the occasions where they needed an additional eye out on the street.
Lucinda reached over to the meter intending to annul it, but Regina put out her hand that held the exact fare in small bills. "No, keep it on… here ya go. Say, what's your regular fee for carrying luggage up to the fourth floor?"
"What kind of luggage are we talking about?" Lucinda said as she took the offered bills, smoothed them out and put them into the bag where she kept the shift's earnings. The thirty-something taxi driver with the deep-brown eyes and the soft, friendly face was born in Puerto Rico and thus had Latin coloring. To let the world understand she was somebody and not just a face in the crowd, she had bleached her brown hair white-blonde, and it certainly made her stand out. She wore her customary driving clothes of fingerless bicycle gloves, black jeans and a dark-blue fleece vest over a plaid flannel shirt, but she had forsaken her ankle boots for regular sneakers.
"Stella," Regina said flatly while she pointed her thumb at her morose neighbor on the back seat. It had taken her nine attempts to wake Stella up when Lucinda had arrived in her cab, and even then, she had needed the hands-on help of the powerful Megan Austin to schlep the near-comatose Stella out to the waiting Taurus Cab.
As expected, Ruby Albrecht hadn't been too pleased with the situation, but the bar keep was experienced enough to know that in Stella's present condition, she would only cause trouble by getting in the way of the clean-up operation - ultimately, Ruby had relented and had sent Regina and Stella home.
Lucinda chuckled and turned around a bit more to look at the sleepy figure on the back seat. "A Benjamin Franklin," she said with a grin.
"Tell you what," Regina said and dug into her clutch. "Let's make it two Benjamins. Then you can help me get Stella into the apartment and not just up the stairs…"
"Hell, for two Benjamins, I'll carry her into your bedroom!" Lucinda said and let out a loud chuckle; opening the door, she stepped out into the chilly autumn evening to get Operation Rag-Doll Stella underway.
---
"Thanks, Lucinda! Have a safe night!" Regina said before she closed and locked the door to their apartment. The industrial sawmill that seemed to have popped up in their bedroom could only mean that Stella had fallen asleep again - at least she had made it onto their bed. The light fixture in the ceiling as well as a lamp on the small table on Stella's side of the bed were lit, but it didn't seem to bother her.
Regina stood in the doorway to the bedroom and studied her sleeping partner. Save for the glasses, the patent-leather shoes and the white smoking jacket - the latter objects had simply been dumped on the floor in a heap - Stella still wore her elegant clothes, but that set was just a little too fragile to be used for sleeping. First things first, however, so Regina moved into the bathroom to take care of her own evening routines that were nearly as extensive as her morning checklist.
---
Fifteen minutes later, she tightened the knot on her bathrobe as she knelt next to the bed and the loudly snoring investigator. Stella had yet to move: she was flat on her back with her arms and legs out wide, and her jaw continued to hang loose which explained the industrial sawmill.
"Hmmm," Regina said, rubbing her chin. There were several things she needed to do in sequence for everything to work, so she began at the far end - literally - by pulling off Stella's black socks. When the twinkletoes came into view, they wiggled back and forth like she was trying to suss out why a chill had suddenly fallen upon them.
Chuckling at the cute sight, Regina moved up to Stella's midsection and reached underneath her to release the red silk waist belt. Once that was free, she folded it up neatly and put it atop the bedside table next to the lamp and the book Stella had read for the past few nights - Rachel V. Baxley's debut novel Amazons Attack At Dawn.
The black slacks were next: the button and the zipper were easy enough to undo, but the first major obstacle of the campaign came when the slacks needed to be pushed down past Stella's hips and rear end.
"Hmmm," Regina said again as she tried to piece together a plan that would work with the least amount of hassle and fumbling. Shuffling around, she sat back on her thighs so she had better access to the sleeping beauty. To tickle someone fast asleep just to get them to lift their rear off the bed was perhaps a little too crude for her high standards, but nothing else came to her. Shrugging, she used her long digits to perform a little tickle-tickle-tickle-tour around Stella's tummy; it worked as she snickered in her sleep and moved her entire abdomen off the bed as a reflex movement.
Regina moved fast and yanked the black slacks past Stella's hips until they pooled halfway down her thighs. Chuckling out loud over being involved in yet another Stella-Starr-induced piece of silliness, she pulled the pants off the sleeping woman, folded them up and put them across the center bar of a coat hanger.
One of the front pockets displayed clear evidence of containing several wadded-up handkerchiefs and pieces of paper tissue that had been used in all the wailing and subsequent trumpet-blowing. Emptying it out, she threw the paper tissues into the little waste bin next to the bed and the hankies into their laundry hamper for later.
After she had put the coat hanger carrying the slacks over the wing of their large wardrobe, she moved back to the bed and let out yet another "Hmmm!" The tunic was next, but since it had no buttons of any kind, removing it involved getting Stella into a sitting position so it could be slipped over her shoulders, haystack and arms. It needed to be done, so Regina knelt once more and put her hands underneath her sleeping partner.
Getting the sleeping Stella to sit upright proved to be as difficult as capturing water in a sieve. Exhaustion had made her turn into such a rag doll that no matter what Regina tried, at least one limb was always left on the bed when the rest of her sat erect. Ultimately, Regina put her arms around Stella's torso and simply pulled her into an upright state on the bed - remarkably, even that action didn't stir the soundly-sleeping snooze-monster.
The black tunic finally came off and the center-lock bra soon followed. "Ohhh," Regina groaned as she stared at the oversized Minnie Mouse sleeping T-shirt that she had forgotten to bring closer to the bed. It was waiting patiently across the backrest of a wooden chair that stood next to the bedside table, and the only way she could reach it while holding onto Stella's boneless body was by extending her own mile-long leg and pulling the entire chair closer to the bed.
Holding back a laugh - and then a groan - she did what she had set out to do even though the chair was heavier than she remembered it. When the chair was halfway over to the bed, her tweed slipper fell off which left her bare foot to carry out all the heavy pulling unsupported. There was little she could do about that at that moment in time, so she kept pulling to get the job done.
With the sleeping T-shirt finally within reach, she grabbed it, fluffed it out one-handedly and swept it over Stella's haystack of dirty-blonde hair and her shoulders. The first attempt proved a complete failure as the sleeves lined up front-and-back rather than left-and-right. Undaunted, Regina inched the shirt around to make the sleeves sit where the arms actually were.
Everything was eventually aligned perfectly and thus sitting like it should - as witnessed by Minnie Mouse grinning in her customary spot across Stella's chest - so Regina grabbed hold of the corner of the bedspread and the duvet and yanked both aside.
The bed and Stella Starr were finally ready to be formally introduced. A sigh of satisfaction over a job well-done escaped Regina as she let the sleeping beauty down easy and pulled the duvet over her; Stella's only reaction was to smack her lips a couple of times and mumble something akin to "Rassssspberrrry fizzzzzzz…" - then she was back to working in the sawmill all over again.
Everything seemed to have hit the sweet spot, so Regina got to her feet, kicked off her other tweed slipper and removed her bathrobe. Her royal-blue satin pajamas looked exquisite as they reflected the light - they should since they were a $700 original Ernesto Quandamille creation that came in a white cardboard box lined with silk matching the color of the pajamas bought by the esteemed client - but nobody was awake to admire them. Once she had made herself comfortable under the duvet next to Stella, she realized she had missed several cogs in the thinking process: she had left the lights on.
Groaning out loud, she got back up and shuffled around their bed once more. The lamp on the bedside table was soon put out, but when she clicked off the light fixture in the ceiling to allow the darkness to take control over the bedroom, Stella woke up and smacked her lips several times.
"Oh… hi, Reggie… is it time to get up already?" she uttered in a mumbling voice thick with sleep. "Okay, I want some Peach Melba and muesli and-"
"Forget the breakfast, Stell… we've only just gone to bed," Regina said quietly as she fumbled her way back across the floor - usually, the lamp on the bedside table was put out last because Stella always wanted to read before going to sleep.
She proceeded with great caution so her delicate toes wouldn't smack against the bed's sturdy foot that was shaped like a lion's claw, but what she hadn't counted on was her shin finding the wooden frame instead. The surprising impact arrested her forward motion with a jerk and made her flail her arms in the air in the vain hope of staying upright. After a few seconds of frantic flailing and Ooooooooh!'ing, gravity took over, and the graceful model performed a
rather ungraceful belly-flop onto her own side of the bed.
The hard landing made the whole double-bed wobble so hard that a squealing Stella flew off the mattress, past the duvet and the bedspread - like a sausage exiting a hot dog - and straight down onto the floor next to the bedside table. Once down there, she let out a: "Hooooooooooooly squid! Head for the hills! It's a frickin'-frackin'-frockin' earthquake! Wait-a-minute… no, it ain't… Reggie! What was that all about?!"
"Nothing," Regina said as she fumbled around to get her hair under control and the rest of her sublime being back underneath the bedspread and the duvet.
"Well, I'm pretty dog-gone sure it musta have been something," Stella said as she clambered to her bare feet and put her hands akimbo. Her sleeping T-shirt had been pulled up by the nocturnal stunt, so she wiggled in place to get it back down across her hips. She furrowed her brow at the odd gap in her memory - she couldn't remember putting it on nor even getting out of her clothes.
"No. Get back to bed."
"But-"
"Now!"
Snickering, Stella jumped back into bed with a merry: "Yes, dear!" She and Regina soon snuggled up tight underneath the covers. They basked in each other's presence for a little while before Stella reached up to place a kiss on Regina's exposed neck. "What a day, huh? Love ya like ca-razy, ya big stick of dy-noh-mite. Nighty-night!"
"Nighty-night and sleep tight. Love you too, Stell," Regina whispered back before they settled down. Not long after, the Sandman appeared and sprinkled a little sleepy-dust upon the unpredictable, unstoppable, undaunted and certainly uncombed investigators of the Harrison-Starr Detective Agency…
*
*
THE END.